Real Truth from a Real Person

It's hard being a follower of Christ.

I haven't posted here in a long time, and that is unacceptable. I started this blog to inspire and lift up others who think they are too far from God. I started this blog because God told me to, and I have failed Him and the people who He wanted to read this. This is a reality that I face daily. I am constantly feeling like I'm failing God, and every time I don't act in obedience, I am failing Him. Since I've been away, life has happened. In January, my biological dad passed away. In February we moved to a new church, which came with its share of grief. Choices were made by others that contributed to us having to move. People that I cared for deeply hurt my family, my oldest son definitely played a part in this as well. Like I said, choices were made.

In March I got my dream job, which is great, I love it. In April, life got real for me when I actually took on my first client, then my second client, and then complications started with that one. At the end of May my grandmother died, which broke me. She was a huge part of my life and then she was gone. I still haven't healed from that. I find myself questioning why God has allowed these things to happen, like, why did she have to die? Why do I keep thinking about evil things? Why do I keep feeling so far from my husband? Why do I feel so far from God? Why do the people that mistreated my son get to be so happy and he has to miss out? Why was he not good enough to love? Why do I feel like my marriage is falling apart? Am I good enough for him? Am I qualified for the job I was hired for? All these things/thoughts haunt me. I miss my grandmother, I feel alone most of the time, I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. I have a therapist and friends, but I still feel alone. I still feel like a part of me is empty. That's why I'm posting today.

No one ever said that following Christ would be easy. Though some of the life events have been blessings, some of them have been really heavy and really heard to walk through. There has been no shortage of tear-filled nights. There have been days when all I wanted to do was sleep. There have been days that I don't read my bible. There have been days that my faith has felt weak, and my love for God has felt lackluster. I've felt like I've abandoned Him more times than I can count, and in that I've felt like there is no way He can love me when my love has been bare minimum at best. But He does. He loves me regardless. It's really hard to wrap my mind around most of the time. He loves you too. No matter how far you feel like you are from Him. No matter how much life feels like it's falling apart, He is always there. He will always be there to wipe away your tears and calm your mind. He only wants you to be honest and real about what you're experiencing and how you really feel.

Why am I sharing all this? Because this is what it really looks like to follow Christ. In all the heartbreak and heartache, there was never a time that I gave up on God. There was never a time that I said, "I'm done with this Christian stuff". No, I cried a lot. I ran to the feet of Jesus when I was ready to surrender. I prayed silently most days, even when I didn't read my Bible. I am sharing all this because it takes time, and a surrendered heart to stay connected to Christ even in the most minimal way. I was real with God when I felt heart broken by the people who shunned my son. I knew I didn't want to feel bitter (like I'm starting to feel as I write this), I knew I didn't want to carry a grudge, I want to forgive and move on. I want to bless those people. I want God to pour His love out on my son and open his eyes. I know none of those things will happen without me first being honest and raw about what I was feeling. Even when my grandmother died, I told God how it hurt and how it sucks and that I didn't think it was fair. And you know what happened? Nothing, God just met me in my grief. God wants us to be real with Him without thinking we are hurting His feelings. Believe me, we aren't hurting Him by being honest. We hurt Him when we go through our prayer life like everything is good, although He knows we are crushed deep down. We hurt Him when we mistreat others out of our own pain. We hurt Him when we keep Him out of our grief because we want to have control over it. Let Him in. Please.

Don't go through another day thinking that God doesn't care about the little things. He loves you way too much for that.

I feel like none of this makes sense. But who knows, maybe God will speak to someone through this post. If you can relate to this post in any way, please leave me a comment.