He loves you, really!

I know life can seem really dark. Trust me, I get it. I have had some really dark days lately. I've been on edge, tired, anxious, and ready to spaz. I've cried myself to sleep a few times in the past week, I've also balled my eyes out driving home. Life has just seemed so confusing and stressful. The crazy part of it all is that I have no idea why.

I feel safe sharing this with you because we are friends and this is a safe space. I have had some pretty dark thoughts about myself and my life. I've felt so unqualified for my job and my role as a wife and mother. I haven't been communicating with God as much as my spirit knows I should. I haven't been reading my Bible as much either. It just happens. That doesn't make me any less loved by Him. And that doesn't make me a disappointment to Him either.

I was watching a movie called "Instant Family", it has Mark Walburg and Rose Byrne (I think that's how you spell her last name) in it. Anyway, the movie is about this couple who decide to become foster parents. They have a tough time with three kids but by the end they end up adopting them. What got me was the teenage girl they were having a hard time with. She had been disappointed by her birth mom, and was shielding herself from the heartbreak of being unwanted all over again.

I could totally relate to that feeling. My whole life, all I wanted was to be truly loved. I wasn't loved enough by my birth mom for her to stay off the drugs. I wasn't loved enough by my aunt for her to actually treat like a human being. I wasn't loved at all by my older brother and sister-in-law. And I wasn't loved in any of my premarital relationships. I don't want to seem like the victim, I'm not. In some of those situations, I was a willing participant. I hold myself accountable for my actions and the roles I played. I finally see that I was constantly let down. It was finally confirmed by my therapist.

So while watching this movie, I saw that I really just wanted to be loved. I don't mean by my husband, I know he loves me. I mean by the people who were supposed to love me and teach me about what love really looked like. I totally get why they couldn't though. They were never shown that to begin with, so naturally they couldn't love me the way I needed to be loved. The good news is, I know that God loves me. I may not always understand why He loves me, but I know for a fact that He does.

In my heartache, God revealed that He has always loved me. His love is beyond understanding, and he allows us to suffer sometimes to draw us closer to Himself. God allows heartbreak to make us dependent upon Him. He will never leave us or forsake us. People will disappoint you, and God knows that. Heck, God will disappoint you too, but when He does it, it's because He has something better for you. That was the pivotal moment of my week guys. God loves you so much. His love is reckless, faithful, and everlasting.

I truly hope this helps someone today.

God bless.