Healed. I think.

4-11-2023

Hey guys,

So, I went to visit my aunt/mom in the hospital yesterday. I haven't shared much about her, accept that she raised me was very abusive to me as a child. She was physically and verbally abusive from the time I was 8 years old until I was 15 years old. I left home at that age. Anyway, I haven't seen her since I got married in 2018, but I have been working with my therapist on healing my trauma and learning to forgive her.

When I stopped drinking my pain away and started feeling my feelings, God revealed to me the real reason she was

abusive. Outside of being an alcoholic during those years, a lot of other things were happening in her world. For starters, she was raising me since I was about 1 year old, and my biological mother came back in the picture when I was 9. At 9 years old, I found out I had another mom, my "real mom;" I had two younger brothers, and I wasn't actually a part of her family. This is a lot for a 9 year old to process. When my "real mom" came into my life, I wanted her. I wanted to live with her, I didn't understand why she wasn't taking care of me, I just knew I wanted to be with her.

This was earth-shattering to my aunt. I can say that now because I have children. My oldest son, whom I've been raising basically alone, wanted to live with his biological father. His father wasn't and hasn't helped me with him in years, so it was very hard to understand why my baby wanted to leave. I know now. I was a heavy drinker during those days, and I was mean to him. I was becoming like my aunt. My aunt took all her anger out on me because I wanted to leave and be with my "real mom," not fully understanding the sacrifice she made to raise me as her own. She also went through a terrible job loss, a foreclosure on her dream house, a severe drinking problem, diabetes, and a son that should have gone to boot camp as an adolescent. Oh and not to mention a lackluster relationship with my uncle/dad. Needless to say, she had a lot going on.

My aunt took me in because my "real mom" was on drugs and couldn't take care of me. My aunt stepped up to the plate when no one else would. I have so much respect for this woman now. Now, I'm not excusing her for being an abusive parent, I am however saying "I get it." It took me getting sober, years of therapy, and tapping into what God wanted to show me about true forgiveness for me to come to these conclusions. I'd say that's a heart transformation. I spent so many years hurting and making crappy life choices out of that pain. And, now I can say that I actually get it.

So, as I stated earlier, I went to visit her in the hospital. She broke her hip and honestly she has been suffering for a very long time with other health issues. I prayed with her before I left, and I have been asking God to heal her and bring her peace. Before finding God, I was perfectly content with never speaking to her again. But now, I want that mother daughter relationship that we should have had a long time ago. I need her in my life and I know she needs me.

Yeah, I think I'm healed in that area. But, I don't know.